I'm bipolar. I blog about it. I also blog about sex, theology and atheology, funny shit and sad shit, books, music, feminism, and love. Mostly love.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

To the teenage girls of the world:

Twisting stomach, fuzzy image, floating head, cold hands. Guilt. The trials, both great and small, that we endure, are made worse only by guilt. You put your face in your hands, didn't you? And you had to sit down, because breathing was really starting to be difficult. You tried frantically to think of ways to fix it, and when nothing was without consequence, your stomach sunk further downward. You called someone to give you advice, and they may have helped you some, but really, they were judging you--at least in your mind, blinded by regret. Vertigo. So you told all your friends. You looked for ways to twist the story to favor yourself. It's so easy to make yourself a victim when you're already feeling horrible, yeah? And your friends took your side, because they liked bitching with you. That's what ties your relationship together: people to hate. But things always come back around. She found out what you were saying, she was hurt further, and you didn't care enough this time. You'd already suffered enough. Your defenses were up. You convinced yourself you were the victim too. So easy to do.
But then, when you're much older, she'll come up to you. She'll say "I forgive you." At first you'll have to think about it, but it'll come back to you--guilt always does. "I-I'm sorry." The order reversed loses some of its strength. It's a weak response. But it was all you had. She smiled at you and walked away. Only she was at peace.
You may never forgive yourself. You may have forgiven yourself shortly after she did; it was a long time ago or if she's over it, I am. Give it time, lady. Forgiveness heals. Hurting another hurts yourself. But do not blame yourself for hurting someone; not even for doing it twice. You have only benefited them. They will grow stronger. They will grow a thicker layer of self. They're deeper. You've made them more of a person, and you've hurt only yourself. Work on fixing that, okay? Fix you first. Or you'll keep on hurting people, you'll keep on hurting you. Someone still loves you, even if you've pushed everyone else away. Someone loves you enough to help you become you can be proud of. Be the type of person you want to meet.

1 comment:

kyle gene said...

Forgiveness. It's a truly immense, fascinating, hard, fulfilling, amazing thing.