I'm keeping in better touch with my camp family. They're going to keep me stable. Because right now I don't want to be depressed. I am going to fight the hell out of it, because I absolutely have to fix this. I won't let myself get to where I've been. I'm going to keep going to class. I'm going to keep studying. I'm going to keep in touch with those who keep me grounded. These are my promises to myself.
I've lost hope for a lot of things lately. But I still stand strong in my conviction that people are inherently good. We mess up all the time, but that doesn't mean we're bad. It means we are struggling. I will keep believing that. It's a belief that allows me to be vulnerable and get hurt; but it allows me to form relationships with far greater depth. My friends, those who I've trusted with the truth in me, will hold my hand while I do all of that. I don't need a boyfriend to hold my hand. People fall out of love all the time, and sudden disappearances will shake me--like it just did. If someone's going to hold my hand it needs to be someone I can count on for stability, and someone I respect enough to help in the very same way. Partners will come and go, and so will friends, really. But I have friends that I believe in right now. They've seen me at my worst, and they love me anyway. That takes great strength--genuineness always does.
I have a lot to do still. With my life, I mean. I have places to go and people to meet. I have things to accomplish! And I know I'm going to. And I'll do it "alone." But I'm not really alone. Just because I don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean I'm flying solo. It means I don't have a boyfriend. I have friends that will take care of me in ways a man never could. I'm too much of a bitch for a boyfriend anyway. But you know what? Bitches get stuff done.
I'm blogging like a manic right now. I have to. Bear with me. I'm going to get better and then this won't be so dreary.
|This kid kept me honest this weekend.|