I'm bipolar. I blog about it. I also blog about sex, theology and atheology, funny shit and sad shit, books, music, feminism, and love. Mostly love.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

All I've got for a title is this.. :l

I'm listening to Laughing With by Regina Spektor. Because it's what I need. Forgot my music for the choir show today. I nearly began to hyperventilate on the way there. Every song on the radio felt wrong--it didn't match the rising beat of my heart. As it turned out, Dr. Davis doesn't hate me. It also turns out I have every song nearly memorized. The old people in the audience thought I did it on purpose and they told me how impressed they were. I didn't argue with them. I let them believe this horribly false situational option. By the time our presentation was over, I was sweating horribly. My armpits were completely wet and the fabric was gathering uncomfortably. But there was nothing I could do about it without looking like a complete man.

Then I felt a little better, but the anxiety I had felt had thoroughly exhausted me. It was comparable to running a stinking marathon. So I walked, sweating, legs rubbing together under my skirt, back aching from the bruises from dance and the weight of my backpack, all the way to my car. Where are my keys? Yeah. I still don't have the answer to that. Grandma is coming to pick me up. Then I thoroughly intend to go home, collapse on my bed, and cry as if I had real problems--besides bipolar disorder, which I can't really blame in this situation. I suppose I can a wee bit. The near panic attacks I experienced TWICE today. I'll blame that on bipolar. But bipolar didn't make me lose my keys. That was allll me, baby.

I want a hug.

So, in conclusion (in the style of my fifth grade writing instruction):

1) I'm listening to slightly hopeful but mostly depressing as hell music because it reflects my mood.
2) I've had one near-awful experience today.
3) I've had one awful experience today.
4) I wish I was more responsible.

1 comment:

kyle gene said...

As hard as it is sometimes, you make it. You really do. You forgot your music...that sucks, but it didn't affect your performance, and they were impressed. Fantastic. Your keys will turn up. I'm SURE your keys will turn up. Back track in your mind and then in reality.

This is life.