Saving Kittens: a story of PTSD

^Me^

Today, while walking the dogs, Mom and I heard a loud meowing from the green behind the bridge. And when I looked, there, looking at me with helpless eyes, was a kitten. She was black and white, and she was freaking adorable. And she ran away, but then she came back to me, and she let me carry her all the way home.

We have 5 cats.

5 cats is too many cats.

I asked Facebook if anyone wanted her. They all said no by saying nothing. And while I waited I fell more and more in love with her. It may be a boy, actually. If it's a girl she's Myrna and if she's a boy she's Merlin. <--all of that gender-title-play was on purpose. I loved her. I let her play all around the house and I cried while I cleaned because I wanted her.

So, I walked the dogs with Kyle to see if she would go back home or run away. But she followed me the whole way out and the whole way back. BECAUSE SHE LOVED ME AND I WAS HER MOMMY! And then Grandma called to tell us that a woman at the beauty shop said she wanted a kitten.

So we took her there. I cried the whole way. I just wanted something so small and needy to love me for keepsies. And I cried about abandoning her like her mother. And I cried about wanting a baby. And I cried about being bad at transitions. And I just sobbed. Mascara down my cheeks, tear stains on my glasses sobbing. I made Kyle take her in, because I was scared she'd cry for me when I left her.

I was all, "I shouldn't have left therapy. I have PTSD."
Kyle gave me a look that said, "I think that is unlikely."
I cried some more. I know I'm going to camp on TUESDAY. I wouldn't have been able to care for the kitten. Then I'll go to school and I won't be able to take care of it there, either. I love you, Myrna/Merlin whatever. I love you so, so much. And I totally don't need you at all right now. </3

I'm on my period. Stop judging me.