More sill-sitting, and book suggestions?

I was doing so badly. I was so, so tired. I was lacking motivation. And then I was all, "I haven't taken my meds in a week." Oh. So I took my meds today, and today has been exponentially better. I've actually had a shitty day, but I've felt pretty decently about it. I had to get up at 6:00 for Fusion practice at 7:00 a.m. No big deal. The bottoms of my pants got wet in the giant puddle that is Indiana State. Who cares? Root Hall was bordering on subzero Fahrenheit. Could be worse. I forgot my car keys in my room so I had to backtrack about 5 minutes, wasting a total of 10 minutes. Okay. That kind of pissed me off. But isn't that a normal thing to be pissed off about? Hating the sun for rising is kind of abnormal, I think. But trudging in the grossness and cold to get my keys was understandably frustrating. But I recovered nicely. I even took a minute to change pants and pee out my two cups of cranberry juice (I seriously have a thing for cranberry juice lately) since I was already in my room.

Finals are fast approaching, friends. I simply cannot believe this is dead week. It's not all that dead for me, unfortunately with my performance at the Pacers game tomorrow and the Showcase on Friday, but my usual meetings are cancelled which gives me a little time to rest. I haven't been all that productive. But I genuinely believe that's all to do with my neglect of my meds for so incredibly long. Hopefully I'll start to make better time of my empty spaces.

I'm pretty stinking excited for the Waycross Staff Reunion. It's been on my mind since it was mentioned at the end of the summer. I didn't get to go last year. I had a blast in Chicago with my family, but I sorely missed the people I worked with. This year, I have managed to see far more of them, but I miss them even more. I just didn't have the same relationships my first summer working as I did this past summer. These are my people. And I get to see them again!

I need a new book by the way. I read 5 books in November, and I'm challenging myself to 5 books in December. I'm looking for a YA book that's a little lighter, relatively short, and funny. I need a little funny in my life right now. Suggestions?

So. This post was on the verge of word vomit. So here's the summary.

• I was getting really sad and realized I hadn't been taking my meds. Fixed!
• This is a crazy two weeks for me. BLEH!
• I need book suggestions.
• I'm still pretty much on the sill. I was looking outside a little too much, but I checked myself before I caused a car wreck down there.

My Good Reads review of Ashfall

I'm not going to summarize it. You can read the preview if you click on the book. This is more of a personal response than a review.

I had forgotten how much I love YA. This book started off with an unfortunate event, and things worsened in an increasingly realistic line of disaster. That realism was definitely my favorite part. It was so incredibly POSSIBLE, that it was all the more terrifying. I found myself trying to feel everything they felt along with them. Mike just about did that for me with his intricate (but most importantly, readable) descriptions.
On that note: I've always loved survival books--I think because I hope I'd be that strong if I were plopped in, say, the Red Zone of a super-volcano eruption. It had been a while since I'd actually read a really good survival book like this, though. And now that I'm (slightly) more mature, it was far more emotionally exhausting than if I'd read Ashfall in junior high or high school.
I can relate to Darla and Alex in ways I couldn't have before. It's easier to imagine my own heartaches intensified than it is to try to imagine that feeling initially. There's another argument for adults to read YA!
Also... DARLA! I love her. Now ...that's a heroine I can get behind. She is tough, tough, tough, but she has an impressive capacity for love and compassion. And Alex? I haven't read a more likable hero since Harry Potter. He changes so dramatically over the course of the book, but the change is subtle. His transition into adulthood caught me by surprise.

I love, loved it. I cannot wait to stick my nose in Ashen Winter (OVER THANKSGIVING BREAK!) I can't believe it took me this long to pick up! I'd convinced myself I didn't have time. But if you really love a book, and you fall in love with those characters, and they're in constant danger!... then you make the time. Thank you, Mike Mullin for reminding me of that.

NOW IN PAPERBACK!

Proof and the Pursuit of Happiness

I was talking to a little girl a few nights ago. (I guess high school isn't so little, but I remember teaching her dance as a much younger, little girl. I'll call her what I want.) She's the product of a very hard life and a lack of those survival skills required to get her needs met. And now she's coming to me to help her. I want to give her Waycross. I want to make her feel important and tell her that she's more than capable to be better than she is right now. I want to give her the world. I want her to change and come to me someday with a degree and whatever else she wants out of life. A wife, kids, a healthy, happy life... whatever it is. I want things to be better for her than they were for her parents. I want her to beat the odds. Her sister, whom I love dearly, has done that. She is a brilliant woman.

But.

It doesn't really matter what I want. It matters what she wants. And she is denying herself the right to want it. The pursuit of happiness, if you will. She's so scared that she won't have all those things, that she's given up. I do have some small hope, however. She contacted me. Why would she call me and tell me all the bad things she's doing if she didn't want me to tell her what to do in order to be better. She didn't text me to tell me she wasn't going to be anything (although that's what she did). She texted me to tell me she wanted help. She just doesn't know how to ask for it. Is this my new project? Is this little girl going to be mine now? Am I going to subject myself to heartbreak if (and when) this doesn't yield immediate results, or work even in the long run? But I feel like I have to try. She's reaching out to me, and I can't shut her down. I just can't. And this is what I want to do with my life. I want to prove to girls like her that it's not wrong to hope. It's possible to be something different. That's the career I'm looking at right now, and I have to get used to that heartbreak. It will come--and in a way I need to prove to myself I'm capable surviving that.

Proof. I need to prove to myself that I can make a good enough argument to prove to the children I love that they are worthy of the pursuit of happiness. Mission statement?

Intervention of the soul.

This Election and My Uterus

I'm a pretty loud-mouthed liberal, so I doubt many of you wonder my reasons for voting for Obama. But as a woman, I wanted you to know where I'm sitting. Where are you?

Abortion and Birth Control
This didn't used to be so close to my heart, but this has hit home. First of all: I'm on birth control because I have cramps from hell. My insurance provides that for me because I need it in order to attend class regularly and perform to the best of my ability at work. I'm also a (somewhat) sexually active, adult woman. Even if I had perfectly normal periods and didn't require medication to regulate them, I would be on birth control, because that's the responsible thing for me to do. My insurance company should still support me in making that responsible decision. When I have sex, I am not only on birth control now, but I use condoms--responsibility, folks. If I were to get pregnant under those circumstances, I sure as hell would get an abortion. I am in no way ready to have a child and I in no way want one.

I'm offended and creeped out that these GOP politicians are so concerned with my sex life. I will do whatever the fuck I want with this body, I will be as safe as I can when I do it, and if all that falls through, I will not further curse this nation with the birth of another unwanted child. Tell me how the Republican Party can oppose birth control, abortion, and funding for social programs? You don't want to help prevent pregnancy? Cool. You don't want to help end what you did not want to help prevent? Ummm... You don't want to support the child that would not prevent coming into this world? Fuck you. That is greed.

Many want to argue that this is not a War on Women. I call bull shit. If a man gets a woman pregnant by rape, incest, or consensual sex, he can walk away. He holds no legal responsibility while the woman clearly does. He commits a legal abortion by disappearing, leaving the mother to deal with that kid. A woman doesn't get that option. If she becomes pregnant and is forced to carry the child to term, then she is responsible. The world may never know who the father is--but she is marked. That child is hers. She has to drop everything to raise it. Or adoption, whatever. But let's be real. We have enough kids in the system. Maybe we should put a little more emphasis on those children who are already alive with friends, talents, interests, and loves.
And I love when some say they're only okay with abortion in cases of rape and incest... yadda yadda. Because the woman wants to go to court after she was raped to prove it was rape... meanwhile the child comes closer and closer to the point in its term where abortion is no longer an option. Incest? Maybe she doesn't WANT the person to know she's pregnant. And in the end, how do we prove any of this? We can't, really. Not even science is positive on that. So all y'all are full of shit. You're just trying to make yourselves feel better about telling rape victims they have to raise that baby. This is just something that cannot be government regulated.

Here are some further concerns I don't have the energy to write about in detail:
Capital Punishment
The War on Terror
Fear of Theocracy
Public Programming (a weak attempt at appearing fiscally conservative)
Foreign Relations
Medicare and Social Security
Gay Marriage
Equal Pay (without the help of binders)
My future in a mental health field

Facebook...

"These our my own and their from my heart"

 

This literally hurt my eyes.

Black babies, cute animals, and depression

I hate negative Facebook posts. I think they're attention-seeking and childish. The same goes for Twitter and Instagram. But blogs are a little different. I had to convince myself of that. This is my heart unraveled and woven back into shape between little black letters on my laptop. This, this is me. This is what pisses me off, what make me laugh, what hurts me, and what brings happy moisture to my eye. This is my blog, dammit.

And I'm not happy right now. I don't taste when I try to eat. Laughing feels physically exhausting. I don't want to sing. I don't want to dance. I want to sleep. I don't even want to cuddle, if you can believe that. I don't want to be touched at all. I do kind of want hot tea, though.

In a sick kind of irony, I think I'm most creative at times like this. Stories are opening up in my mind. I just don't have the energy to write them down--to make them whole. I WANT to, but just not enough. I have things I need to accomplish. I WANT to do them; not enough. My day is heavy with all the shit that needs done, and it's weighing on my heart. Because instead of doing those things right now, I'm looking up pretty African American babies and cute animals on Pinterest. That's pretty much all I want to do. I don't want to talk to anyone. I want left alone.

Extremes

This week has been full of extreme highs and lows.

• Midterms stressed me out unnecessarily.
• Friends disappointed me.
• Friends faced struggles I wish I could make better.
• Nearly every time I walked outside I was rained on.
• I don't own an umbrella.
• The alcohol/hazing/sexual assault training I had to do was useless and hell to get into.

• I learned I may graduate early.
• The classes ahead of me are exciting and interesting.
• I'M GOING TO PARIS AND BERLIN NEXT SEMESTER!
• I had a thoroughly entertaining study session with my German class (although little studying was accomplished)
• I finally cleaned my room.
• All my exams went swimmingly.

This has been the ultimate bipolar week. The ups have been full of ecstasy, fast-talking, shaking, and jumping. The lows have been full of sleep, sleep, calls home, and sleep.

There have been no in betweens this week. It's been a constant roller coaster.