Day 2: V-Day "I'M BEING HEALTHY DAMMIT!"

This is obligatory because I've promised to blog every day of lent. But this is also obligatory because Valentine's Day is a mixed-blessing. I personally love Valentine's Day. It's got candy, chocolate, dates (with lovers, friends, and family), and you get to make a little note to tell someone you love them. And shut up to all the, "but you should express your love all year" people. Just. Shut up. I do fucking express my love all year. I say it every damn day and mean it when I say it. I give hugs, send nice messages, call to check in on people, and buy random-ass things I know they'll enjoy because I love the people in my life. And they do the same for me. Now. This is a WHOLE DAY set aside to celebrate love. We have days to celebrate boxing, the births of famous people, the deaths of famous people, all of the United States presidents at once... why do we hate on a day set aside for love?
Now. I recognize that media has turned made it about romance. I get that. That's cool. But whether or not you buy (eh-hem) into that is up to you. Because I'm a single lady, I choose not to. With a boyfriend, sure, I'd probably bring some romance into it; but I will never neglect the other people I love. Valentine's Day is both over and underrated. It's taken over jewelry industries and chocolate companies, and fancy restaurants. But it has not been recognized for it's full potential.

Okay. Moving on.

Woohoo! Holding strong. This is also V-Day to fight abuse against women and girls for those of you interested. I was blessed with a million gifts of candy that I had to turn away (or put away) because of Lent. But somehow it didn't feel like that much of a chore. I'M BEING HEALTHY DAMMIT! So I don't have a whole lot to say on that one.
Note that all day between these pictures I drank a lot of water and ate a lot of nuts and seeds. I just took a container to all my classes. Here's da foods:

Breakfast: Quaker oatmeal made from water with cherry juice to drink

Lunch: Spinach salad with broccoli, carrots, cucumber, and olive oil &vinegar. Granola cereal with soy milk (already gobbled up). Zucchini and peppers. An apple. And soy milk to drink.

Dinner Appetizer: Salad with carrots, broccoli, edamame, sunflower seeds, and olive oil & vinegar. (Noticing a trend?) That's unsweetened ice tea to drink.

Dinner: The server swore all of this was cooked in oil. Grilled green beans, sweet potato fries, and rice pilaf.

Nighttime Snack: THESE THINGS ARE SO GOOD.

I worked out by myself today (something I rarely do) and just jogged a mile running the last lap. That's really about it. Other than that because of leaving my shit everywhere I had to power walk all over campus which did hell on my calves. "Sometimes love don't feel like it should..."

This is what I wrote in my journal this morning:
Today for myself I will work out. I know it's kind of required, but I'm actually excited about it today.
Today I will make valentines for everyone on Union Board.
Today I am most excited to eat with Jim and Grandma.
Today I am most anxious about changing my routine (adding workout and eating in towers).
Today I am thankful for soy milk.

So, I'm not going to post my meals on here every night because I do it on Facebook all day long. It's getting a bit redundant. Plus the pictures litter up the post and I don't get to say much else. Here's my page to go like it if you want to follow my sweet, sweet vegan ass. 

You should also probably follow me on Twitter because I'm fun.

For those of you who are new, here's the post that explains what the hell I'm doing.

Lent. This one's a doozy.

My lovely passengers!

I haven't posted in a long time. A lot of that had to do with the level of busy I've been putting up with. But honestly, I just haven't had much significant to say, and I didn't want to write just to be writing something. And I'm baaack. :)
This is the Lenten Season. Beginning tomorrow, I'll be making a few changes. As most of you know, I'm not religious, but I consider myself a deeply spiritual person. Lent for me is a blessing to myself--to make my life better. Our holidays are set up in genius chronology. It's freezing at Christmas and we need something to cheer us up. PRESENTS! New Year's resolutions come first, and right as we begin to give up on those--LENT! It's really brilliant. Here's my plan:

Moo.

1. I'm going to end my involvement with animal cruelty. This begins with no more killing bugs. I will collect them and take them outside. And the big one: I'm going to do a lot of research to make sure I can do this healthily and put myself on a diet plan. I'm going to give up dairy. I already don't eat most meat, but I'm going to give up fish as well. (This means I'm giving up my opportunity to eat Wendy's fish. If you don't know how much of a sacrifice that is, then you should probably try it for yourself. It's only out this season.) No dairy. No meat. No gelatin. Yup. You know what that means: vegan. I'm kind of scared, but it's only for 40 days. It means I'm going to have to really pay attention to what goes into my mouth, which is something I should have been doing anyway. Lately I've really looked into animal cruelty in our nation, and it's truly despicable. And we are trapped in this system. The only meat most of us can afford comes from those factory farms, and it's chemically and hormonally treated--it's barely meat anymore. I've also given up (as far as I know) animal-tested products. If you know of any let me know, pretty please. I really want to eliminate that from my life. I know I deserve better, and so do they.

2. I'm going to treat my body better. In accordance with #1, I'm going to eat better. But I will also work out. Every. Day. I feel like this is ultimately impossible. I really do. But I have a sneaky suspicion that if I told myself it was possible, then it would happen. If have to drag my own ass out of bed at 7:00 to make it happen, then that's what I'm going to do. I will do what I need to in order to make a positive change to my body. I can do this. I know I can. And so I will. But I have a reason. I want to be better.

3. I'm going to journal daily. I started this a while ago, but I've been getting lazy. But if I'm getting up early enough to work out, then I should certainly be up early enough to journal every day. My journal entries always answer 5 questions. 1) What will I do for myself today? 2) What will I do for someone else? 3) What am I most excited for? 4)What am I most anxious about? 5) What am I thankful for. At night, I go back, and if my anxiety was unwarranted, I highlight it to keep track of how often I fret needlessly. This forces me to start my day off on a positive note. On that vein, I'm going to blog each of these 40 days. Every day I'll post how I answered my five questions, and I'll keep you updated on my progress including lists and pictures of my meals. That will keep me accountable, and help anyone else who's considering a more ethically-oriented diet. *wink wink*


This is different than giving up cussing or chocolate. This is a change I require of myself. So! In the comments tell me what you're giving up (or adding to your life positively) for Lent! I'd also like suggestions for a vegan diet and (again) if you know of any animal-tested products I may be using.

Sometimes...

a girl just doesn't have the time to angry-type that post that is imperative she post.

The Consequence and Magnificence

I'm having such a difficult time defining where I am emotionally right now. I've been starting on posts like this a lot lately, then reverting back to some social issue that pisses me off. There's been a lot of that lately, partially because I'm becoming more informed and I'm interested in the things I'm learning, but also because I'm defining myself. I'm in this watery state right now. I'm trying to shape myself; to stand up straight.

In that place it's kind of hard to define myself. I think I need to define my beliefs and values before I begin to define myself. Those are the things that define me, and without them I am shallow water.

This is my third week out of therapy. My counselor must be really sick. I suppose I could see someone in his absence, but I'm a picky client. I want someone good. And I want someone who I have a relationship with. I'm going to have to play catch up when he gets back anyway. And there's plenty of catching up to do. I was still dating Jacob (barely) when we last talked. Everything's changed since then. For better or for worse? Perhaps it was a neutral kind of change. I liked where I was at that time, but if it was a lie, then I don't want to be living there anyway, if that makes sense.

I'd say I'm generally happy where I am. I do stupid things still, and I regret a lot. But I'm better about finding perspective necessary to learn and move on. This attempt to define myself has helped to hold me responsible. I'm creating this person--or being true to this person--who expresses assertions to which I had not always adhered. But it's constantly on my mind now, and I'm fond of the person I'm discovering within myself. I want to be her. And I will.

So where am I emotionally? I think that those posts bitching about social issues are a pretty accurate picture. It's questions, it's (dis)beliefs, it's music... that's where I am. Those are all good things. I can't always be there. But that's the consequence and magnificence of sitting on the edge of the window sill.

Tbird's Window Sill

"Setzen Sie fort, die offenen Fenster zu passieren"

or Keep passing the open windows. That's where my blog title came from. I also may get it as a tattoo... someday. In typewriter print. On my side. It's just perfect. It's the perfect metaphor.

Lessons from Campers and Things I Love

socks.

This is it. I'm about to finish packing up and go to camp! I'm going through the motions: finishing laundry, finding my hiking boots, panicking about my camera... all the things necessary to get on that winding road that leads me to those red doors and bathhouse steps. Soon, that lanyard hanging on my key hook, will be more than rustic decoration. Soon it will mean authority, and responsibility. It will mean love and patience. It will mean all those things it means to me as a nine year-old girl--except that it is mine.

Blogging. At camp, I'm hoping to blog at least twice a week. I don't know when or how that's going to occur, but I know that it will. I say at least, because I know that every week, I'll have a post with these titles:
Lessons from Campers
and
Things I Love

I really believe we have a lot to learn from children. I've always heard that, but it always meant less to me than when I discovered that to be true for myself. I have learned some really brilliant things from my campers, from age 8-14. They never cease to impress me with their insight and to remind me what it is to be good. They see things so black and white. And I, sadly, have grown past that. I live in a world of greys that cannot be defined by a simple good and evil. But sometimes that black and white thinking is far wiser than my complicated color wheel of storm clouds. Because I really believe everyone is good at heart. I believe everyone wants to do their best, and with love--always love--they can figure out what their best is, and they can be that.

So I want to record those lessons I learn. Sometimes they'll be funny, I think. No one who works with children can keep from laughing--unless they're pretty awful with children.

I also want to write about things I love. Because in the natural world there is plenty to love, and I need to remind myself of that. The trees, the cabins, the creek, the people... they all play a part in what is an undeniably positive experience. I love that world. In part, I'm telling you how much I love it because I want to share it with you. I want you to live vicariously through me, or better yet, to feel inspired to see those things you love in your own life--because I can assure you there are plenty. But I also want to make habit of it. It's so easy to find what I love at camp because my time there is fleeting. Because the entire community services children and their happiness. Because I am in nature and among those who respect it. But my life here, in the real world, isn't so bad either. The theory: if I begin to look for and define the things I love, then I will continue to do it once I've left. Who knows if I'll keep defining it on my blog, but that's not really the point. I just want to force myself to notice what makes my life a construct of love.

In comments I'd love for you to tell me things you love about your life. I want to know that I've made you search; to open your eyes. (Also, I really just want comments.) Also, tell me the funny, or insightful things you hear kids say every day. Those of you who are surrounded by kids know what I mean. Bless me with those lessons.

So for those of you who read my fiction...

You can just mosey on over here. I'm only going to write about those characters for a while, anyway. Anything else will be kept in journals. I hope you guys like it in there. :)

Two blogs?

I'm considering having two blog. That would make me, like, a real blogger. :P

I think I would end up putting my fictional writing on a separate blog. Because my fiction and my life are two very different worlds that I'd rather not confuse. I think I may just make the Anonymous Collection a whole separate blog. I'll still work on it as I did before, without it interrupting the flow of my very separate style of writing. I also realized with my last post, that I have a different kind of writing in me. I'd like to develop that, and in the same place I write my stories it feels kind of strange.

I may have already done it by the time y'all read this.

Blogging

I love the blogging community. I love everything it stands for and the environment it provides. I love that blogs prove to the world that the internet can give the world substance--rather than emptiness. When I first started blogging, when I was 14 (choke-gasp), I wanted a place to express my Self. <--that's on purpose Nazis. When I was little, I'd always wanted a website. Now I know that's way too much work for me, and I'm not actually that technologically proficient. But a blog? I can blog. Aunt Betsy blogs. Kyle blogs. (I'm not putting my other friends because you have neglected it.) And I've even come across people I like by reading. Cypress. The Bloggess. This is reading. It's informational. It's reflective. It's art. It's humor. It's everything social networks aren't giving us. Don't get me wrong. I love Facebook and Twitter (too much). But it serves a specific purpose for me, and does not fulfill my need to observe and create art.

Nostalgia and Little Sisters

A dear blogging friend of mine, who will be referred to on here as Cypress, whom I've lately considered somewhat of a little sister, needs herself a blog post. She is thinking of not going to her senior prom. Her reasons are NOT acceptable. Everyone deserves to feel beautiful at their senior prom, and no one should be hindered from going because they are worried about dates or the way they'll look. I'm posting this idea for her. I'd appreciate comments of encouragement that I'll forward to her blog. Or just click on the link to her blog and do it yourself.

I'm a big fan of chiffon. I think it's whimsical and classy. That one strap will make you feel more secure and held together. Strapless dresses can be scary with big boobs. And then there's just a little sparkle that you can coordinate jewelry with for some more glam. Also... if you're daring... red lipstick and a smokey eye. Also. Don't wear your hair down. Up does stay in longer and you'll get hot and sweaty dancing. There is PLENTY more I could tell you, girlie. But you have my number. If you WANT to know anything I know you'll ask. BUT YOU ARE GOING TO PROM!

Forgiveness Collection

I've noticed that a lot of my pieces lately have been centered around forgiveness. Forgiveness is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Primarily forgiving myself, but also others. I'm working on myself first, though. Since these pieces have a common thread, I've decided to group them together in a Forgiveness Collection which will be defined as:

Short, short stories about people who forgive and people who will not.

First Post... wow.

This is my first post in my new blog. I haven't decided where I want this blog to go. I've decided to stop treating my blog like a journal. No more personal stories with clear details. I'll include some life events, though, but I think only for the sake of creative writing. If I want to write about them eloquently, instead of bitchily, then I'll include it.
The title: I'm bipolar. I'm constantly living on the sill. Sometimes I kind of slip out and have to catch myself, and sometimes I crawl back inside. It's like... I'm always on the edge. Irving wanted us to keep passing the open windows. The artist--the writer--in that story didn't. She jumped. I don't want to jump. But I don't want to live as safely as I used to, inside, where I couldn't see the world. To toe the line of creativity and art, I have to toe the line of madness. These will be my stories, my poetry, my prosetry, and some philosophical and theological ideas. For right now, I'll keep this public, but I'll remain anonymous (as anonymous as the nature of this blog allows), and when I feel that anonymity has been breached, or my intentions misconstrued, then I'll move back into a private format, in which I'll maintain the same kind of format.
I hope you all feel at home here. I think I'll still call you my passengers, and I am still the Conductor. That part of me is still alive. But I have developed enough that I need to expand. I need to let more people see me. I need to feel a little exposed. I can't keep hiding behind permissions. I have changed. I am not someone entirely different, but I am a different version of the most basic form of myself that was brought into this earth and solidified in my upbringing. I am growing though, constantly. This is a reflection of the next step in my life. Welcome.