Day 1 "He punched the highlights out of her HAIR!"

Thus far, veganism is both harder and easier than I thought. It's difficult because animal by-products are in EVERYTHING. EVERYONE tests on animals. And for the first time in my life, I'm reading the label of everything I eat. It's easy because it rests well on my soul. I have no guilt. The changes to my diet are only helping my own health, the environment, animals, and my conscience. I always hated dieting because being fit was not quite enough of a motivator. But the ethical treatment of animals is pretty important to me. I don't mind going out of my way to read a label or give away a granola bar (you'll see) if it's going to make a difference in my life. For the first time I'm entirely conscious of what I'm eating. Not just the caloric content (although that's a side-effect of all this research) but of hormones and chemicals used and the way we treat animals. Every time I eat I feel better about my decision. It's not that hard. I can't unsee the images I've seen. But it's not quite the same. I've been exposed to those images before, but I was neutralized to them--the were just the way things are. But looking at them as a whole person, including my compassion and sense of reason (something we all have), I cannot resolve it within myself to be any part of that kind of abuse. Now. What will I do after these forty days? I'm not positive yet. Right now I'm thinking about a stricter vegetarian diet with a few vegan months of the year. But for right now, I got this. Plus. Vegans have superpowers. Says so in a movie.

"Vegans are just better than most people."

My next promise, to exercise every day has started off strong. I had PE which kind of kicked my butt anyway and then skipped to the gym to keep working out. I owe it to myself. In PE we did Jillian Michaels's workout DVD. Ripped in 30 days. Well here's the thing. It depends on where you're starting if you'll actually be ripped in 30 days. Like. I don't think I'm gonna look like the girls on that screen by the time Lent ends... but progress will be made. The video was great. It was possible but challenging. I'll go as far as to suggest it. I left PE feeling better than I went in, and practically floated to the gym. I met Shannon there. I did 100 sit ups on the sit up bench. Comparing that to my high school records (400 crunches), it felt kind of weak. I needed a little Eminem in my life amIright? Anywho. After that I moved on to weight machines, mostly for arms, shoulders, and abs. Then I rode the stationary bike for 3 miles. I put it on an aerobic circuit which SUCKED but was AWESOME. Come here and feel my legs. Do it.

All of these dudes started Ripped in 30 Days 30 days ago.

Last promise was to journal every day. Here's what I had in my journal:
Today, for myself, I will start off strong on all my challenges.
Today, for someone else, I will add onto that panhellenic valentine. I saw huge bags and boxes of chocolate, and I made a measly card. So I took in a little something extra.
Today I'm excited for new changes!
*Today I'm mostly worried about messing up everything I said earlier.

Today I'm thankful for all the people giving me support, advice, and encouragement.

FOODS! I know you want to know what I've been eating all day. It's all you thought about all day long when you were enjoying bacon and burgers. :P Here it is:

Breakfast: I went to LQ on The Run. There weren't many options there. I couldn't think of much. And the bananas were like 70s bathtub pea green. So I got a grape fruit. I've never actually just eaten grape fruit just to eat it before. But it wasn't bad. I also had a small cup of granola with raisins. (Yeah. I'd have appreciated a bigger cup, but it was only there to supplement the yogurt I don't eat.) And apple juice. Good ole' 100% juice. It wasn't the best vegan breakfast, but it was a start. I'm going to work on incorporating some soy and water oatmeal, vegan breakfast bars, and seeds.

Lunch: I went to lunch with Grandma and a man from the foundation. I was in sweats because I'd just finished a PE class and directly after this lunch would attend another. But we went to a fancy new spot in the Commons now. I can dig. There was a buffet, but ingredients and nutritional information were above each dish. I had water and lemon to drink, and vegetable soup made with vegetable broth. I had a big leafy salad with spinach, mushrooms, broccoli, raisins, cucumbers, and olive oil.YUM. And that glob of grey you see was some pretty yummy rice-consistency thing (I later found out it was not actually rice). It had cranberries and walnuts in it.

Snack: Naked Green Monster smoothie, raspberry water, and that oats 'n honey thing that I had to give away. Let us not forget that bees make honey. :(

Emergency-I'm-Gonna-Die-If-I-Don't-Eat-Now: Another Naked drink. This one was a little fruitier. I also had a Peanut Crunch Cliff Bar. I couldn't have any others because they had chocolate. And then some roasted almonds. Not pictured were some pretty delicious sunflower seeds.

 Dinner: I came home tonight and Jim made me an incredible dinner with kous kous made with peppers, mushrooms, edamame, celery, carrots, and onions. Slightly off-topic. Funny story. One time I went to Baesler's Market to get some kous kous. And I was supposed to get like a pound. But Mom said "Just fill a bag to the top!" Well, only giant huge-normous bags were lefts so I came home with 10 pounds of kous kous. We had to research new ways to cook it. Whoops. Anyway. I also had a vegan Bocca Burger on a whole wheat bun with Grey Poupon Mustard. You're looking at this picture saying "MILK! BLASPHEMY!" Because it looks remarkably white in this picture. But it's almond milk. Fuggin yum.

So. That has been my day. Pretty full of exciting. How are your Lenten challenges going?

*Highlighting means the concern was not validated.
Note from the editor: check out those links. If your interested in eliminating cruelty-free products from your household, check out the list of products and companies tested on animals. If you're looking for a good work out video, I suggest that one because everything else we've done in PE has sucked ass. And you should probably watch that Eminem video because... well... it's badass. And Baesler's is a pretty cool market in Terre Haute. It's the closest we'll come to a Trader Joe's.

Light Saber Fights and Burned Cookies

Before finals started, I got up to some shennanigans with my friends, because that's how you make memories, duh. I finally got to see my lovely Mikayla, and introduce her to the amazing Shannon, and now they are friends. As they should be. We tried to make cookies. And some of them were okay. But there was an extra-special-awesome batch that we made too!

On an completely unrelated note, Shannon totally asked me if she was holy enough to wear that Waycross shirt. Which, if you know me is funny for about 40 reasons. But the one you don't know... is that's not my shirt. I'm still not sure to whom it belongs.

Kind of staged reaction... but remarkably accurate. Also. You can kind of see the smoke, which is awesome.

All together now! Oh. And that hat says SWAG.

So, in the midst of finals, I'm starting to feel sick. My throat is sore and I'm sneezing in a way that draws the grumpy attention of already-pissed college students studying in the library. It's not like I want to sneeze asshole. And I glare just as grumpily back, because I've lived in this library for a semester, and they're in my territory now. I own this joint. Shannon gets 50% of the rent I'll be collecting off the bitches on our couches. It was due to all this bull shit that I chose to study at The Coffee Grounds last night with my German classmates. Also, there's cool graffiti and good music (most of the time). The study party was hit and miss (surprisingly, since I thought more people would be crying pitifully over their failed adjective ending quizzes that he mercifully allowed us to take a total of three times). The only downside? I didn't get to see ISU's Stress Relieving Penguin, Bunny, and Bear.

Here's the bunny and penguin... the bear was sick, I think.

I gave up studying near the end. When all my classmates had left for one reason or another, I stayed for a while with Shannon, still trying to cram little bits into my overloaded brain. Then I gave up. Shannon needed earbuds, so I drove us to Wal Mart. The ride was exciting with a possibly drunk driver ahead of us (or just momentarily distracted). When we got there, I re-remembered that I had to pee. I made Shannon come with me because GIRLS DON'T PEE ALONE, DAMMIT. I walk in to chaos. It's already kind of unfortunate because it's a Wal Mart Bathroom . But this was was a special kind of awful. A mom and grandma were trying to use the bathroom and the little boy they had left unattended was opening their stalls to their loud curses and commands. I locked my door carefully for fear that he may mistake my stall for his grandma's. Shannon said urgently "Maddie, hurry up in there." And that I did. And while the mom lectured the little boy about hand-washing (I'm convinced entirely for our sake), we skimped up outta there. No hand-washing involved. Who washes their hands for pee, anyway? That shit sterile.

STERILE, I TELL YOU!

So. I don't know if you know this, but the earbuds are pretty near the toy aisle. You know what's in the toy aisle? Light sabers. That's right. Shannon and I fought to the imaginary death. I died of course. In my defense, the beast is a martial arts minor. I stood no chance. I got a picture of her that clearly represented triumph. It was soon her profile picture and got a bajillion likes which is awesome, because in the 21st century, that is how we measure success: the number of likes on our profile pictures. (See the badassery below.)

"INSERT AWESOME STAR WARS QUOTE HERE!" (In all caps)

I got some studying out of the way--I still have no clue how that final went today. It is what it is and I'm so glad that what it is is over. Ugh. I did have time to deliver my presents to favorite professors. :) I know. I'm adorable. I made cookies for my choir director as well--but she wasn't there to receive them. I decided to write my name on the Tupperware for two reasons 1) I didn't want her to think someone else was poisoning her. 2) She needed to know it was I who was returning the music so I could get credit. Of course, that was the order of consideration in my brain. I was more afraid she'd think I was poisoning her than would think I still hadn't returned my music. Thinking back, though, I'm pretty sure that my music was numbered--duh. So I guess the first reason remains the only real reason to have taken the cookie credit.

I'm being ramble-y.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htTLWC1unMc

Moving on. Now that my big finals are out of the way, and my worrying has developed into the kind where distraction is actually a good thing, I've returned to my to-read list. I finished The Giver by Lois Lowry. Thoughts are, I'm not sure how I hadn't read that as a kid. Childishly, I'm almost positive the reason I kept not reading it was because I didn't like the cover; also I didn't like books about boys unless it was Harry Potter. However, I won't complain too much because if I'd read it in 5th grade or so, I'd have denied my current, 19 year-old self the privilege to read a book that wouldn't have actually been that remarkable to me at the time. Oh, I'm sure I would have loved it then, too, but it can't be denied that my grown-up (sorta) brain got way more out of it than I would have. So... I get the hype. This is like The Hunger Games lecture all over again. I GET IT. I'M CATCHING UP NOW, THANKS.

Now that I've finished it, I'm reading Jasper Fforde's The Eyre Affair. I've wanted to read this book for some time. First, I loved Jane Eyre (even though I wanted to hate it), and it's been on the book shelves in my house for a looooong time. Secondly, Fforde. It's so amusing that his name is spelled that way. Is that his real name? I could totally look it up on Wikipedia, but that seems like something not worth doing. Nahhh. Okay, I did it. I'm pretty sure that's his real name. The page leaves much to be desired, however. I'm sure that he's had a much more interesting life than all that.

I'm wearing a watch today. I took it off to type, however. Tick, tock, the library's a clock.

Also. Worth mentioning. To cheer me up today, Zac told me a story about an old man who walked into his dealership, said "I smell a democrat," and walked back out. I hope that makes you happy too.

Extremes

This week has been full of extreme highs and lows.

• Midterms stressed me out unnecessarily.
• Friends disappointed me.
• Friends faced struggles I wish I could make better.
• Nearly every time I walked outside I was rained on.
• I don't own an umbrella.
• The alcohol/hazing/sexual assault training I had to do was useless and hell to get into.

• I learned I may graduate early.
• The classes ahead of me are exciting and interesting.
• I'M GOING TO PARIS AND BERLIN NEXT SEMESTER!
• I had a thoroughly entertaining study session with my German class (although little studying was accomplished)
• I finally cleaned my room.
• All my exams went swimmingly.

This has been the ultimate bipolar week. The ups have been full of ecstasy, fast-talking, shaking, and jumping. The lows have been full of sleep, sleep, calls home, and sleep.

There have been no in betweens this week. It's been a constant roller coaster.

How do you define success?

So, I got out all my frustration on the subject of Kyle. I was personally offended, and I shouldn't have been. It isn't my life. Our lives have been so thoroughly intertwined for so long that is seems like a personal thing. Of course I think it's a bad decision. The people from whom I'd take advice think so too. Until recently, Kyle would have asked me first. Instead he acted quickly before I could change his mind. These are the facts. And I don't care about the finer details, because oftentimes the closer we look at things, the less of them we see.

1. He was a junior in college and dropped out.
2. He tried to get a job from the time he entered college, never getting a real one that he could hold down. He finally got a job at a gas station near his Terre Haute house. He missed the first day and was fired.
3. He doesn't have a job now. He plans to look for one in Marshall--but the job market is slim, and without an education, there isn't much for him.
4. He is living with his sister's boyfriend in an apartment. Clearly he is not paying rent.
5. He is smoking pot regularly--with money he can't afford to spend; with money he didn't spend on school. He plans on buying his childhood home--which will put him in debt. But he was morally opposed to the debt school put him in. Life is full of debt. It's inescapable.

Perhaps I just measure success differently than he does. Perhaps I see success as getting an education. As getting a job in a field of your study that you're interested in and care about. As making your voice heard. As being a good role model to children. I measure those things that I do at Waycross as success. I measure my current job as success. I measure the hard work I'm putting into this degree as success. And sometimes I get sad. I do. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I feel like I'll never get out. I do. But I'm smart enough to know that so does everyone else. And we're all in this together. When Shannon had a ton to do last week, I sat with her in the library and entertained myself. And as I study for my big German exam, she is designing her Halloween costume right beside me. German is hard. But when I get those grades back, I'm proud of myself. I work my ass off and I see something for it. That is success to me.

So. Maybe that's just me. I'd say it's most people, honestly. But Kyle isn't most people. He's never going to be. He's more concerned with the way things should be than the way they are. He's gets so lost in his thoughts that he can't see what's in front of them. He is an extremist. He is so opposed to our societal structure that he's just opted out of it. But you can't ever really opt out of it. You still have to pay for your food. You still have to wear clothes when it's cold. You still have to pay for a house.You still have to pay taxes. You still have to pay for the gas to meet those you love (assuming you have a car).

The rules don't change. You can't get out of those things. All you can legitimately opt out of is a job that requires an education. You still have to pay to feed your drug habit. Money has to come from somewhere. Now it will just come from a job that doesn't involve writing, or thinking, or relationships, or art, and will start off at minimum wage. But again. Maybe that's what he wants. Maybe he's okay with getting a fast food job and writing blog posts. If that makes him happy, then so be it. It's just not what I'd expected from him. I saw a different path for him. But it's not my story to write.

There are times that I've wished I could just ditch these rigid structures of school. job. family. house... I understand that feeling. But school is my favorite part of all that. I like the discussions I have in classes. I like what I'm learning. There will be classes I don't like--but you can't always get what you want. I love school. I'd love to live more freely--but I'll make that happen. I'm going to create a kind of happiness and freedom in my life based on those things that I learn on this campus. I'm figuring out with the people here what my options are--how I can turn the things I love into a career. And I can't wait. I can't wait to graduate and find a grad school. I can't wait to figure out what I'm going to do. I can't wait to travel and see the world. ISU is practically PAYING me to do it!

I measure success as trial and triumph. I think in a phrase, that's how I'd describe it. Trial and Triumph. I want to know how y'all define success. Comment me, bitches. :)

Also: These pictures don't have a lot to do with the rest of the post. I know. But they were hysterical, and even a moderate connection was worth sharing them.

How stable am I?

I’m not sure what to write about right now. I’m hoping that if I start babbling with my weary fingers, that the pace will liven up. I’m thinking a lot. That sounds like such a prosaic statement. “I’m thinking a lot.” It’s like when people say, “I have a lot of feelings.” What does that mean? Everyone has a lot of feelings. Are they trying to say that they have mixed feelings? Communication is so important to me, and yet I make statements like that. But it’s because I’m manic. And I have racing thoughts. But both of those things are so clinical-sounding to me. And I don’t want to talk about my disorder right now; I want to talk about what it’s doing to me. I want to talk about my Self, and not myself. I’m not sure if I’m communicating this well or not.

Things jump in and out of my mind. I can’t think about one thing for too long. I can’t focus and it sucks. But I’m cycling like never before. It’s daily. I spent the whole morning thinkingthinkingthinking and when I sat down for too long that changed as rapidly as the pictures had turned in my mind to... weariness. It hurt to move and I felt like I’d never get things done. But then I did all of it. I want to slow down, but I don’t want to stop, either. Right now I’m kind of shaky

I think I’m trying to outline where my Self is sitting, but I don’t have it figured out yet. It’s funny. The girls in my pledge class are already thinking about slating. They think I should be president. Do I really look like I have my shit together? I guess I do in a way. I get good grades. I am super involved, and I do a good job in those organizations. I guess I’m the Ideas and Issues chairperson on Union Board now. But I guess I have to convince myself of that. I’d be just as successful if I didn’t stress out so much. It’s not that I have so much to do. It’s that I am scared that I won’t do it well. <-- That was an epiphany.

Those of you who read my blog probably have mixed thoughts (or just plain realistic ideas) of the kind of person I am. I’ve defined my beliefs (or lack thereof) for the first time. I am beginning to love my body. I’m learning that who I am is okay, and it’s not my fault if someone doesn’t like me. It isn’t a failing. I'm finding joy in my studies. I'm finding joy in being informed. I get all of that when I’m doing well. But I’m not always doing well. Sometimes I’m going to self harm, and sometimes I’m going to make mistakes that hurt me in different ways. I don’t always have my shit together. But even when I don’t, no one really knows it. I don’t let people see me cry. But you all have in some way or another. I like to think I’ve been pretty honest with you. I’m making mistakes, but I’m still going. And you're here to witness it.

Crazy Owl Lady Move-In

A while ago I moved into my quad. It's beautiful, and everything is exactly like I wanted it. It's a little cluttered, but with plenty of room to move. I have reminders of camp, home, and family, and things that make me smile. Oh, and owl shit EVERYWHERE. I didn't think that I'd be able to fit all my owl things in here, so I left most of them at home. But I have WAY MORE ROOM for my statuettes and pictures and whatever else I have... so I'm totally bringing them next time I go home.

In every community there's a weird, old lady who lives alone and smells like old people, and develops some strange obsessive-compulsive interest in some collection Sometimes it's cats, or shoes, or crocheted fruits... I'll be the owl lady. I'll have them everywhere--collected from my sorority-girl days. And then I'll go on hoarders and all my sisters will totally deny me.

Okay. So I moved in most of my things then went back home and bitched about wanting to be back in my quad, because I was whiny and period-y, but at some point I sucked up and stayed because I was going to need help with my last load anyway--a super-attractive trait, right?  I drove Ian around and I drove myself around. And then the goddam tornado hit my town. Whyyyyy?! So, I was stuck in Marshall waiting the storm out. The winds were way too high for me to drive and I'm pretty sure the whole town was flooding. So I ate Reese's Pieces (am I the only one that pronounces that reesees peesees?) and watched nature tear Marshall to shreds, like some cheap, disaster of a disaster movie.

When things slowed down a bit more, I was ready to head back over, but I had no gas. All the gas stations in Marshall were closed down because no one had power. So, of course, I ran out of gas on the way to Terre Haute. When I finally got to Terre Haute, exhausted and hungry, Grandma's car alarm started to go off in front of the Saratoga. And I laughed so hard I had to squat on the sidewalk. It was just like Nashville all over again. This time Jim knew what to do, though. So it was less disastrous. And somehow, right on Wabash Ave. the only people that came out to check on us were the people at the hookah lounge. Good job, Terre Haute.

But eventually we got to eat, and I finished moving in. I was just so happy to be in my room, and I was so happy that everything fit. I enjoyed the alone time. That was short-lived, of course. I'm an extrovert and unless I'm blogging (talking on the interwebz), or texting (talking with finger-words), or reading (pretending someone is talking to me), I can't handle it. So, I enjoyed the first few minutes of that, but since then, I've gotten antsy. I'm hanging out with new people. A boy :) And my old friends, new friends, and quadmates.

Speaking of quadmates, how do 5 girls go through so much toilet paper so quickly? I just bought some, but I'm not buying any more until I see three packages from other ladies. Jeez. It doesn't help I'm a total TP snob. I like me the soft stuffs. I'm loving finding my routine, but I'm still anxious about all of it. First day (week in my case) jitters, I suppose. I'm trying to stay on top of homework and maintaining my sanity. One of those things is subjective...

Yup. That's a Bean Blossom shirt.

So I freak out, then I remind myself to smile.

I need to keep my head on straight. Making lists makes me feel better. But just being should make me feel happy, you know? But transitions are hard. We all know that. GAHHH. So here's my list. Let's see if it makes me feel better.

• Buy school supplies
• Check to see if school books are posted for any classes
• Sort things to go to school.
• Lunch with Frau :)
• Meet up with Heidi
• Meet up with Sara
• The problem with the above 3 is that Mom doesn't have anything planned for the next week. I have no idea what my expectations are, so I can't tell them any dates. The time will come and go, and I won't get to see them.
•  Get a job
• Follow up on my applications
• Get organized on recruitment stuff--Call Jess
• Sleep

And now to make me feel better:

Anchor my ass!

I think that...

school from k-12 should be more like camp. The classes would be way smaller, or they would rotate early on. The teachers would start with staff training, and they would learn to love one another as family. The teachers should eat lunch with their students--on occasion offering to sit outside at a picnic table. The students should be allowed to chew gum, and stand up while they're doing their homework if that pleases them. The teacher would get to know each student on a personal basis. They would know the names of the child's pets. They would be able to point out a bully early on. They would play with them at recess. Class can be as fun as rock wall climbing, or canoeing... but it isn't to most kids.  They spend seven hours a day there.
But that's in a perfect world.

Me after an all-nighter, writing a paper for Psychology.

Adventure Time--and other gag-worthy children's shows

I wish it would stop moving. And promoting unhealthy eating habits.

Television has potential to be educational. Sure. Okay. That's not what I'm talking about. Dora and Barney? I got no beef. Adventure Time. Are you effing kidding me? I only watched one episode, and this is what I found:

1. Sexual innuendos
2. Poor grammar
3. Borderline cursing
4. Poor boundaries; both verbally and physically
5. Pointless, lesson-less, mind-numbing entertainment

 This is inappropriate for children. This is an example of why we should be teaching our children healthy messages about their bodies and sexuality--because television shows, directed towards our youth, are doing it for us. The kids watching this show aren't old enough to be exposed to sex in this way, but if parents allow their kids to watch it, they should probably be watching too in order to explain and ask their child to question those things that bother them. Seriously.

Also. The grammar. In shows directed towards adults, poor grammar is used as a comedic tool that references a lack of educated, a low socioeconomic status, child-like speech, or even people of specific regions (particularly the south). I don't always agree with that in shows for adults, because I think it furthers our skewed ideas of culture, but I'll admit I've laughed. We watched this show. They didn't laugh. The kids just assumed it to be correct. When children are that young, they're still learning what's okay in our society. They're still idolizing their parents, teachers, older peers and siblings... they haven't found themselves quite yet (as if we ever do, ha!). But they're taking in the images on the tv screen. Television is our culture's most popular babysitter. They didn't laugh because they still think they're being taught. They think it's correct.

I'm sure you do.

 Borderline cursing. I tend to think cursing is overrated. Words are words, nothing more or less. Some words are weighted with a certain kind of power that they're child-like alternatives lack. Darn/damn, frick/fuck, shoot/shit, etc. But there are words that are arguable. Pissed, sucks, God, etc. This show makes use of those arguable curse words as well as the "almost" words. Now, these are things we don't let kids say. Personally, I think it shouldn't matter as much as it does. Kids have feelings equally as important as adults', yet they're not permitted to use the same powerful speech we use. But society says otherwise. We punish kids who cross that line, or eve toe it. We can't punish kids for words like sucks, pissed, God, frick, danged, or whatever; if we allow them to receive their education from a talking box. They'll say what they hear. We need to either normalize ourselves to children cursing, or we need to stop the source from which they hear it.

Boundaries! I watched one character hold another's ass while they made it dance for them... with no pants on. Granted. It's a cartoon, and it's a dog. But they gave the dog an ass that resembled a human's... and the character was holding it. They bite each other. They lick each other. They had a baby (which they'd stolen), and shook it around because it wouldn't "jiggle" for them. They wanted to "get down," and the baby was "ruining the mood." Nuff said.

All in all, it's a lame show. It's not actually that well-done. The script isn't interesting or informative. There's not really music between clips. The plot is dumb and unrealistic. Nothing important comes from it. That was a wasted hour in those kids' lives. It's an hour they could have practiced reading, created art, listened and danced to music, played a game in the yard, or even talking to one another--quite a lost art. I was offended, really. I am so over television. My children will watch PBS and documentaries. Nothing. Fucking. Else. Oh, my God. No hope for humanity. :(

"Lump off"

Epiphany Post

by Laurie Lipton

I don't really care what other people think. My entire life I've spent time trying to be someone I'm not. I've become so accustomed to code switching that I've lost myself. I let reality television, pop stars, and my peers tell me what was cool. But now? The stuff I thought was cool back then is cool now. So really? There was nothing wrong with who I was. There's nothing wrong with who I am. There's nothing wrong with being as many people as I want to be. There is never anything wrong about being. That's simply my existence.

I try to be kind to people. I try to treat people like I'd like to be treated. I try to take the concerns of others seriously. I try to respect different cultures as different as opposed to wrong. I don't judge a person based on their religion, sexual orientation, age, sex or gender, or political beliefs, even if I don't agree with everything. (If you know me, the only things in there I really take issue with are opposing political beliefs (although I'm working for a better adjective than opposing) and a person who denies their own pleasure by forcing themselves into a relationship that is untrue to their emotional and physical desires, when someone uses age as an excuse to close their eyes, when someone sees their sex or gender as superior to that of another...). Basically I don't like when people make other people's business their own or when someone isn't true to themselves. Other than that I try to accept people as they come and to judge by a person's true merit: the way in which they treat others; and yet to understand and coach those who don't treat others well. It's my duty, and it's yours too.

Those things are things I'm proud of. Those are my values. I think it's important to define our beliefs and values in our ceaseless journey to self-discovery. I'm still finding a belief secure enough to follow blindly besides that of love. Love is the only religion I trust entirely. But my values? I've got them down. I don't always adhere to them. I'm not perfect. But the way I treat other people is a direct reflection of how I feel about myself.

And here comes the epiphany: It's not a bad thing to be happy.

I used to have such an aversion to happiness. I felt guilty in happiness. I didn't like myself well enough for happiness. Whatever. Now I don't. I don't know if it's the meds, the mere knowledge of my condition, or if I'm just finally embracing a journey to enlightenment. I don't know if I care. I'm here anyway.

I love this. I don't know if I've ever embraced life this way. I'm so okay with myself. I'm okay with my body. I'd like to lose some weight, but hey! If I don't I don't care that much. I wish I'd managed better than a 3.5 this semester, but with everything I was up against, I'm really proud of that GPA.

I still have heartache. Happiness is a state of being and it doesn't mean I don't get sad or lonely or disappointed or frustrated or angry... my feelings are still very real and present. I worry about Ian all the time, and I have both nightmares and dreams concerning him. I miss my family in southern Illinois and I want to make more of a difference in the lives of the children of my family. I still get really insecure at times, and I have to remind myself that there's nothing wrong with me being myself. There's something wrong with a person feeling the right to judge me for being me. There's something wrong with society for condoning that arrogance and entitlement and standard of "normal." It's still hard. But I'm choosing to live in happiness and feel those hard feelings as they come, rather than feeling nothing until those feelings break me. It's a conscious decision that I have to work to keep to--just like giving up meat and soda.

I love everyone. I love the idiot drivers I cuss at behind the wheel. I love the most annoying child you've ever met. I love the people who have hurt me--some more than others. Speaking of which: I've gotten over the Sarah Simpson thing (Go ahead and Google yourself! I have nothing to be ashamed of, and there's no teacher or principal to run to now that we're adults.) She was a nasty, cruel little girl, and I'm sure she's a cruel young woman. But I'm sure she had her own heartache; heartache I'll never know. And at the time I was not confident or secure enough to handle her bullying. Who is in junior high?!

But now I am. I dooooon't really care what she had to say. Because I was a badass back then, just like I am now. I was still kind as often as I felt I could be. I was still doing my best with what I had. I have nothing to be ashamed of, just like I don't now. Just because I didn't fit Sarah's idea of physical beauty did not mean I was not beautiful. And I'm disappointed in myself that I ever let her childish comments wreck me the way they did. But it is what it is. We all have a bully who breaks us. We are defined by the way we put ourselves back together. I've grown up since then. I just don't care what she (really she just represents all the people who have hurt me) think.

It's so freeing to wake up knowing that if she were to call me today and call me Weight Watchers Dancer again--something that used to have me crying in the bathrooms at Marshall Junior High, I wouldn't care. I would feel bad for her that she still felt the need to bring people down to feel good about herself. <-- That's something I used to think was just something grown ups said to make you feel better, but it's so true! People only hurt people when they are hurting. But I wouldn't really let that change the way I see myself. Really, at the time she was just affirming all of my greatest insecurities and making very real for me a truth I tried to hide and ignore. But now I've displayed that vulnerability. I've learned to accept myself as I am. And bullying words can only hurt me if I think they're true! Since I love myself as I am, and I accept and forgive my own faults, no one will have that power over me now. I do not judge myself based on the opinions of those I do not respect.

I've done things I'm not proud of. I could list them, but most of you know them already. Instead I'll say a big I'M SORRY. I'm sorry to the people I'll never see again. I'm sorry to the girls I may have been unkind to. I'm sorry to the boys whose hearts I've broken. I'm sorry to the family I've said hurtful things to. I'm sorry to those I respect that I may have disappointed. I'm sorry. I know I'm not perfect. But the only thing I can really do to make it better is to live well. I will take this summer by storm and I will make those children my own. I will fill them with so much love they won't know what to do with themselves. They won't understand why someone can love them so much, because they still see their flaws so clearly... but I don't overlook them. I love them anyway. Because there are some really, really beautiful people that loved me anyway. And I would do them a disservice not to carry on that legacy of love.

I promise this is the last one! The 12th thing that made me smile today is...

Frau Weir's gnome has been returned! Welcome home Hans! I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW HAPPY THIS MAKES ME!

"If you don't like gay marriage, then don't get one."

Since it's early, and I haven't had a lot of sleep, and I've had a rough week, I feel like bitching.

I never used to like politics. I had liberal leanings, and I called myself a Democrat because that's what my family was. But I was also raised in Marshall, a small, rural community of primarily Republican (or just plain conservative) folk. I spent a whole lot of my life hating Marshall for that fact. I hated that I felt my values and beliefs were constantly being questioned and attacked. I hated that teachers made me feel stupid for feeling differently than them. I hated that a teacher who said, and I quote, "I just think they should line up all the gays and shoot 'em," remained employed. Mrs. Hasten was one of my favorite teachers because, although we shared different politics, she respected me and my opinions. She was open-minded and kind about it. If I could find a way to share that with her, I would. I may just write her a letter or something, because I've been thinking about that lately.

I didn't care about about politics because if I really educated myself on politics, then I would feel more obligated to defend myself, which I didn't want to do. I'm of a non-confrontational personality, unlike many of my peers. Little did I know, most of them didn't really know what they were talking about either--they just talked anyway because they knew no one would argue with them. I will not generalize, though. There were plenty of students with me that could speak intelligently about politics. I only mean to say, that in a small community of primarily Republican people, it's easy to talk on things you don't know about as long as it leans right. I would not have been afforded the same luxury.

Now that I'm in college, though, it's easier to respect Marshall for what it is. We need places like Marshall. We need people like that. Everyone plays a role. I really believe that. And that's why I think it's so important to respect the maintenance staff and your waiter. It's important to respect farmers. They serve a very important role in our country. I respect that little rural community. But I also don't think it's for me. It's funny, though. I do love the outdoors and the small-town vibe. I like that people wave at you on the way to the grocery store. But I like big-city thinkers. So back to that.

Now that I've come to college, I've also taken more time to really research what I claim to believe in, because I feel a little safer doing it here, somehow. And I've found that, approaching the information as unbiased as my environment could allow, I'm still pretty much a Democrat.

1) If you don't like gay marriage, then don't get one. Forril y'all. I respect different interpretations of The Holy Bible, because quite frankly, a document which is as conflicting as it is, is going to develop plenty of interpretations. I understand and accept that. No one should be ostracized for any one interpretation. (Although, I'll get to a little less-diplomatic thought on that in a moment.) Which is exactly why gay marriage should be legalized. There is no legitimate claim against it besides an interpretation of the Bible. Separation of Church and State. If you're going to obsess over your right to bear arms, then you should respect the separation of church and state. That is no less important. America is advertised and prized as the "melting pot." That comes with different religions (including no religion), and the right to practice one's own religious beliefs. Gay marriage is a topic attacked only with religious argument--which makes it invalid as far as the government is concerned.

2) If you don't like abortions, then don't get one. I realize the implications of this. I know that this depends on your belief of when life begins. If you believe life begins at conception, then abortion must be a seriously moral dilemma for you. I accept that. But if you do not believe life begins at conception, then this is a different struggle. I even respect the right to protest against abortion--against a person's decision to do it--not the government's role in the argument. Because it's not proven--other than by the Bible--that life begins at conception. My belief is that life begins when a child has a fully developed brain. You are not human until you are capable of love. That's an opinion. I accept that it may not be correct. But I will argue for that as strongly as another may argue that a person should not get an abortion. I'm also pulled by the social effects of making abortion illegal. Women will try to perform them on themselves. Babies in dumpsters. More children in the system. Unwanted children. I genuinely believe it's better to not have a child than to fuck one up when you do have it. If you're not ready to be a mother, then you should not be one. Another argument I hear: You should deal with the consequences. It's your mistake. Well, okay. You just called that child--something you consider to already be a living person a mistake. You have deemed that child a punishment for one unfortunate act. Rape. Incest. Stupidity. Ignorance. Prostitution (forced or voluntary). Drunken acts. Those are all mistakes. But a child should never be a mistake or a punishment. But again: my opinion. But my opinion should be respected as should those who do not believe in abortion. But the government should not make that decision for me. A woman can make her own choice. If that woman believes life begins at conception (an unproved opinion), then she may not have one. But if a woman does not believe that--or simply is not ready for a child--she should be granted the right to have an abortion.

3) Conservatives are nearly obsessed with protecting the rich. I have two things to say on the matter. A. I understand that we want to protect our standing in the international market. I understand that our big corporations help us to maintain that standing. However. This isn't a standing we really have, or have ever had because of unaccounted-for, printed money. And we can try to keep that image all we want, but we are falling apart on the inside. We are protecting 1% and hoping that it'll get to us normal-folk someday. Trickle-down effect, right? But when has that worked? And what do we do while we wait? Do we let people starve? Do we let people die unnecessarily from treatable conditions? Because those people can't really wait for that money to get to them. It doesn't work.
B. America is the Land of Opportunity. Cool. But Republicans tend to have this delusion that everyone has the same opportunities. This deludes them into thinking its okay to judge the homeless, impoverished, and uneducated of our country. I constantly hear Republicans calling homeless "lazy." "Get up and fill out applications," they say. First of all. Shut the hell up. Don't pretend you know someone's story. Don't pretend that you can even comprehend the pain they've felt or the world they come from. It makes you seem ignorant and unkind. Second of all. If you have been living in poverty, unable to take a shower, with no nice clothes, how likely do you think it is that someone's going to hire them? Educated people, people with suits and running water, cannot find jobs. Do you seriously believe they have the same opportunities as anyone else? They're just lazy? No. They're just smart enough to know that they won't ever have the same opportunity. That seriously bothers me, that a person thinks they can judge another's position without having spoken to them to hear their story. True Christians, following in Christ's way, take care of the sick and feed the hungry. You cannot judge a man sleeping on the street and still call yourself a Christian. No one is given the same opportunities. I am blessed. I'm getting an education, I come from a middle-class upbringing, and I have a family who is very aware of mental health. I'm bipolar, but I was clearly born in the right family to help me through it. I have the most understanding and amazing parents I can imagine any one young adult may have. And my family is full of love. They have raised me to believe I can accomplish anything (realistically of course). If I had been raised in the foster care system, moving from one house to another, missing school and moving schools constantly, facing the reality that I was a mistake, living primarily among unhealthy people who have abused me in ways I could not begin to blog about as though I'd experienced... if that were me, do you think I would be in college? Do you think I'd have the grades to receive my Presidential Scholarship? Do you think I would have developed the social skills to have rocked that interview? Do you think anyone would have taken the time to help me know the importance of learning to write well to totally kill that impromptu essay? No. I wouldn't. And how dare any one person assume that a person in a different position than they would have just as easy of a time.

4) Obama has created jobs. Seriously. If you actually do the research, it has improved so much since Bush. So please stop talking on things you don't know about. That's not even a reasonable argument because it's incorrect. End of story.

5) The race issue. I won't tie this to Republicans, because it's not necessarily a Republican value and I think that's horribly unfair. But I will tie it to far right belief systems. Ghetto? How about White Trash? No effing difference. Still people who come from different places than you, who have seen things in their childhood that would make you throw up as an adult. Neither are trash. They are both the lowest rung of society. We're more likely, although still reluctant, to help a homeless man than an inner city citizen who uses poor grammar and dresses in a way we judge to be inappropriate and trashy. I love how we think it's okay to judge prostitutes. But they are taking on the job they can find--the same job we blame the homeless for not finding. Anyway. Black doesn't make someone ghetto anyway. They may like different foods, they may speak differently (using they colloquially, of course)... but that doesn't make them bad. We don't even have standard English. It's dialect. And if we don't like their having a separate culture, then we have no one to blame but our ancestors who have so long segregated them--forced them out of white society--that they have come together and formed a culture among themselves altogether separate from ours. Embrace that now! We have a different culture living among us? Well okay. Deal with it. Learn about them. And if they don't want to get to know you, then that's their issue, but at least you can say you tried. Have you never met a white person that thought they were too cool for you?

6) This is another non-political issue. It's just a Christian issue that I'll keep within that realm. Again. I don't think it's fair to call all Republicans Christian, let alone fundamentalist Christians. I believe everyone has the right to practice their beliefs, no matter how extreme they may seem to me. I've had friends with whom I don't agree with when it comes to religion. I don't have to, really. And I don't appreciate when people think I do. And I would expect them to feel offended if I tried to convert them to my way of thinking. That isn't fair. Because by doing so, I would be saying "I'm right, you're wrong," which makes for a pretty uncomfortable relationship. But in my opinion, many "Christians" are not practicing as they ought. I may pick and choose bits of the Bible to believe. I'll admit that. But it's a conflicted book. I believe the Bible was written by Man and is not the whole Truth. I think the Truth is found in many different beliefs, and you have to explore it everywhere to find it. I believe the Truth lies in my heart--in my conscience. And I will preach that. With that belief, it's acceptable to choose the parts of the Bible I agree with. Because I don't agknowlege the Bible as a perfect document. But for those who do? I think you're hypocrites. If you truly believe that, then you think that God is the ultimate judge, and our business is to take care of ourselves and our families. You don't believe in shaving, cursing, gossip, football on Saturdays, eating lobster, eating pork, cotton and polyester blends, or association with women on their periods. I can give you the verses for those if you don't believe me. You can look it up yourself.

That's all I have for now, but I have plenty more to say. But this was a rant, and I actually feel better. And here's the thing: I really don't care WHAT you believe. I may disagree with you, but I agknowlege that I may be wrong. I just think that religious beliefs do not have a place in politics. I have no tolerance for racism, and I believe (arguably of course), in using the government to care for the needy. But I respect other opinions. I have a great deal of respect for women like Mrs. Hasten, who although at times I disagree with, I can agree to disagree. Which is a brilliant idea, really. It's been around for ages, but sometimes we forget about it.

This has not been my week... or moth, really.

Last night, after all the drama of which I've previously posted, there was more drama, that I don't care to get into on here because I don't want to publish family business on public domain. If I ever write an autobiography, I'll be sure to include that story for your viewing pleasure. I really hope that by the time I get around to telling the story it'll be more funny than depressing as hell.

I love bananas.

I had Fusion at 6:00 IL time this morning. It was short. Sweet baby Jesus, thank you! So I changed clothes in the men's restroom. The women's was being cleaned unfortunately, so I just sneaked in there. But when I was changing in the stall, someone came in and used the urinal. It wasn't even weird or awkward, which is why it's sort of a notable anecdote for me. I felt like I should have been afraid or uncomfortable. And I think I was just too tired for any kind of intense emotion like those. I just waited for him to finish, gave him a few minutes to get away from the bathroom, and left. Then I ate me some breakfast. Bananas. <3 And I called my mommy. Sometimes that's just so necessary--talking to your mama.

I ate alone, which wasn't so bad. Again. Usually that drives me crazy. I'm paranoid people will think I'm a friendless loser. But I'm pretty sure no one cares--just like I don't care when I see people sitting alone. And I don't invite them to sit with me anymore--that went poorly once. Some people are sitting alone for a reason. But I was just sitting alone because no one was awake at 7:30 IN time. No one. Like, this campus is a ghost town.

I love soy milk.

But when I got off the phone with my mama I thought I saw Kaylee, and so I went over to sit with her. It was weird because I was walking towards her back, facing only her companion, who was a girl I'd never met. I kept making uncomfortable eye contact with that girl, and I thought, when I see Kaylee it'll all make sense and she'll introduce us. But it wasn't Kaylee. So I just left with my banana. I wish they'd let me take the soy milk. Silk.

And now I'm free until 2:00 IN. So I'm wasting time right now. I think I'll start my German homework at 9:30 and do it until my cancelled class would normally end. But then I scheduled a study party for the German 202 final from 10:45 until German 495 at 2:00. I must hate myself. Anyway. Then I'll start to take stuff down to my car at 3:15 until like 5:00. Then dinner? If I have friends, which I may not. Then I'm going to Vagina Monologues at 7:30. I'm pretty sure I have no homework for tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I have nothing for tomorrow, period. I just need to studystudystudy.

This has not been my week... or month, really. But I'm still alive. Just like always, I'll keep passing the open windows. I'm seriously considering getting that as a tattoo. Also. I kind of just want to run a church camp. But I really want to be a therapist. Can I do both? How does that work? How does life work? Does love really conquer all? And where is the other sock?

Dobby has it.

No. I'm not going to sum-up this word vomit. I know I usually do. Don't care.